I'm Pam Newman.
I am awesome every day & you are too.
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I'm a writer of aricles, poems & songs. Here's some cool stuff I wrote.
Seriously though, I have this intense urge to reproduce.
I know any people I make will be pretty rad, good looking and smell nice. But you know, I think it’s basic news that parents fuck people up worse than any other humans do. So I mean, it’s just my duty to ensure therapists of the future have work, yes?
Like, I’ve struggled with the idea of old fashioned reproduction for years. I have especially struggled SUPER HARD over the past 6 months. I’m feeling a little more confidant, and have jumped off of the strugglebus.
Of course the timing is incorrect, as most people say. I’m way deep into using the pill and I like not being hangry all the time and needing to pee every five minutes. I’m busy as hell, trying to travel a lot, and quite frankly I’m in the funnest part of my relationship and I don’t wanna un-fun that all up with some needy third party nobody even knows yet.
But I have a plan, see?
I’m gonna buy a house in like 3-5 years because babies like houses. I’m gonna save money because babies like to spend money, and I need to pay babysitters for the sake of my sanity.
None of this really takes into consideration what any other humans want other than me and my uterus. Because really? The power of a determined uvula is fucking powerful, and all of you humans out there with vaginas know how they get when they’re angry.
When they start demanding reproduction, that urge is SO INTENSE. My hormones are translating into A GURL WANTS TO NEST AND RAISE SOME MOTHERFUCKIN DUCKLINGS!
Y’all. The only urge that I’ve consistently had other than this that was so intense was being a horny teenager. I masturbated CONSTANTLY.
I say that not to brag, but to say that my body is pretty specific about its needs.
I wish y’all could listen to me read this out loud, because it’d be way funnier. I should write some stories for The Moth.
In the meantime, I’m going to map out some baby plans.
Inkblot #126 (a&b)
Instructions: Tell me what you see.
Note: I really liked this one from both sides so here they are.
a: there are some sea horses smoking a hookah at the top, and mermaids playing with skis they found at the bottom
b: two squirrels eating carrots at the top, and infants smoking a hooakah at the bottom.
I mean. You guys. For real? Wow, that’s the cutest fucking thing.
But this stuff has surely been happening for the past like, bajillion years.
The internet makes sharing the cutest, most amazing human-animal interactions real. Because y’all know you’re thinking, “That’s bullshit. A cat? Soothing a crying baby to sleep? Get the fuck outta here.”
Black babies as alligator bait during slavery. Not far fetched as a thought, but this is a fact, I have heard about this in the South before.
Please watch this video right now.
OMG. Andrew made this for me. My child has been immortalized as a GIF. Life complete!
Sister Mary Martha is pregnant and she refers to her baby (boy) online as “The Dude.” This is a brilliant (And fucking creepy) gif. I’m so excited that she’s gonna have her baby soon.
Anyway, isn’t it crazy and exciting that her little boy is internet famous BEFORE BIRTH?
EAT THAT, DAVID AFTER DENTIST!
I had this dream last night where my job was to drive across the country in this rental car. It was kind of a luxury car, like a Cadillac or something, but one of those new Cadillacs that look like they’re from the future. I don’t know what my job was.
Some stuff happened and I ended up working somewhere, and I was pregnant.
All of the sudden I start giving birth. Giving birth was hard, but of course I didn’t feel any pain. It was a lot of work, and I swear I felt this baby moving through my body. Again, no pain. Everyone was trying to help me give birth, and all of the sudden I realized I was going to make a huge mess, so I went to a toilet stall and sat on the floor to give birth to my baby.
It popped right out onto the floor on it’s head, but it was okay, lol.
The umbiblical cord was laying there, and I took some scissors out of my purse and cut it off of my baby. I also managed to get up off of the floor with this naked wet baby and sit on the toilet to get rid of the after birth, which was really yucky.
Then I had this little baby! My baby was a girl. She was so cute. It looked kind of like me, and it was really sweet. It wasn’t crying or anything. I put it’s head next to my cheek and I could feel how soft its skin was, and how warm it was. I even felt really protective of it, like it was the most important thing I’d ever held. I immediately loved this baby.
Someone asked me what I was going to name this adorable little girl, and I said Jerrica, after Jem from Jem in the holograms. What a terrible name, lol.
I looked up the meaning of giving birth online, and the sites I visited said being pregnant and giving birth represent a couple of things— Change, nurturing change, and happy babies represent good change.
I wasn’t in a panic at all in my dream, and neither was the resulting child.
A couple of sites I read said babies can also be in the dreams of menustrating women. If you’re not planning on being pregnant it can be a part of fears of having a baby. I don’t want to have a kid, but I’m not really freaking out about potentially having a kid. I’m on some good pills for that.