I'm Pam Newman.

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I'm a writer of aricles, poems & songs. Here's some cool stuff I wrote.

Baby’s first real Kentucky Derby party

The Kentucky Derby is a classist, racist, capitalistic handjob for the rich.


Okay, so I hate the Derby, horse racing and how it’s an open display of animal abuse which has a long history of rich people humping their rich vaginas all over the faces of the poor while wearing fancy hats. I have been to a total of 3 Derby parties in the 6 years I’ve lived in Kentucky. One of which was an unwelcome surprise interruption to a planned afternoon nap by an inconsiderate ex-roommate.

That left a sour taste in my mouth, but I’ll let you in on something that is in no way a secret: I’m a sucker for fancy dress parties, man.

So here’s the story.

Tonight for Louisville.com, friend and fellow non-conformist Rosella Pearl (real name, no gimmicks) and yours truly are taking my press creds and going directly into the belly of the beast— A fancy dress party that’s $300 dollars a seat, and $3000 dollars a table. A Derby party filled with some of the hoity-est, toity-est medical professionals in the city:

The American Lung Association’s Derby Eve Gala at the Seelbach Hotel.

The Bar Belle, aka Sara Havens wrote a really cool piece on the Seelbach for the LEO this week. In it, she chats with this old dude who talked her ear off about pretty much everything regarding the Seelbach Hilton, and the only AAA 5-diamond restaurant in Louisville.


Additionally, T.I.’s fine ass is in town. I didn’t find out until a few hours ago. I would really like to be covering his party at the expo center, but I have a feeling that Louisville’s finest scantily clad ladies will be duking it out with Tiny for his attention, so I’m better off at the Seelbach Hilton hotel. Maybe that’s where he’s staying, and they’ll invite me for a threesome and some top shelf booze?

Everything’s coming up Millhouse.

I have a few goals for tonight, which I’ll list for you in no particular order:

Goal Number One: Use my new press credentials for the first time! I’ve been writing for Louisville.com for nearly a year now, and finally they’ve issued me some physical press creds (way more useful than street cred), and this is a perfect virgin voyage for their value.

Goal Number Two: Eat and drink ALL THE THINGS. I love eating food, looking at food, writing about food, and I’m sure this meal will be worth of all those loves.

Goal Number Three: Look fabulous. Like I said, I’m a sucker for a fancy dress party. I’m gonna wear the dress I wore to the Grammys. If it’s good enough for a nationally televised awards show, I’m thinking it’s good enough for a Derby party.

Goal Number Four: Party like it’s 1999. I haven’t been to, what I would define as, a PARTY in a long time. I have a lot of pent up dancing, laughing and conversations with complete strangers built up in my soul that I sorely need to get off.

Goal Number Five: Write a kickass article. I have done a fair share of writing for Louisville.com, and derby really gets people looking at it. I think my recount of this party will totally be read-worthy. Hopefully people will enjoy what I have to say about the party, what I’m gonna eat, and what debauchery I’ll witness.
Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to spend the next 3 hours getting ready!

Pam Newman’s most important things about Derby Season are:

  1. Drinking
  2. Fancy outfits
  3. Wild Hats
  4. Parties
  5. Partying while wearing fancy outfits, wild hats and drinking

So it makes perfect sense that I refuse to get anywhere near the track at the beginning of May. I don’t know squat about horse racing that I didn’t learn from a dinky little DOS-based shareware computer game I got when I was 9. Additionally, there’s some solid racism in the past and present of horse racing and I find the sport rather cruel.

Standing in the sun shouting at horses while drinking, wearing pretty spring dresses and hats while not partying offers zero appeal to the mind that created the above list.

And hell no, I do not want to do the infield of Churchill Downs. Getting mud under my fingernails and peeing in portapots that smell like stale horse butt while being a side show for the rich is not even on my “top 90 things to do during derby” list.

Anyway, I’ll be covering the Derby Eve Gala on Friday, as it offers legitimate reasons to do all 5 items on my list. I’ll be as honest as I can about what I see… and what (who?) I did. My friend Rosella Pearl is going to accompany me as a photographer, so at least there’ll be a witness. :)

Watch out Derby parties, here I come!