I'm Pam Newman.

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I'm a writer of aricles, poems & songs. Here's some cool stuff I wrote.

A message I sent as a reply to someone on OkCupid

My 6 things I couldn’t live without on my okcupid profile are, “two feet, two eyes, one mouth and a vagina.”

Dude said that’s a cop out, because you totally can live without any of those things. He said it in a much more clever way than that, for sure. He also called me an amatuer.

This is my reply to him.

In the literal ideal of “Can’t,” sure! I could replace my extremities or even my reproductive organs with functional, silicone-based replacements…

But what about quality of life? What about living life without limits? I am thinking of a more idealistic kind of life where I continue to be a life-winning ninja-baller and a veritable factory of hyphens.

Pirates, sure they’re cool— but who really wants to look into the eye of someone with a patch over a socket and offer compassionate and tender thoughts about the affectionate way their nerveless hand makes the hair on their neck raise up?

Surely not I.

Besides, as old as the internet itself, is the battle between pirates and ninjas.

In order to complete basic ninja tasks, I’d have to have all four limb finalization and as a lady, the ultimate tool of deception, the vagina.

An amateur, I am not, good sir.

Okay, OkCupid.

Subject line of a message:

"Refined professor seeks chocolate treat"

Internet Dating

Success rate = 0%

The hot, smart, tall guy who I met from Lexington flaked out on meeting yesterday and didn’t return my “You still wanna hang out sometime,” text from last night.

Girl who I was interested in has a boyfriend and that’s way too complicated for me.

Other guy attending U of L is too young, and too self-critical.

Back to the drawing board.

This is exhausting.