I'm Pam Newman.
I am awesome every day & you are too.
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I'm a writer of aricles, poems & songs. Here's some cool stuff I wrote.
Time for a true and embarrassing story about online dating!
I have an OkCupid profile, and for a while I was actively using it trying to secure a date. I recently got a message out of the blue from some dude who seems actually kind of normal! I got to talking to Marianna about it, because we talk about that sort of thing. In talking about New Dude I told her an OKC story which I will now tell all of you.
Well, I’d been looking at men and ladies on OKC (I’ve discussed my Bisexuality here before) and weeding through the trenches of out-of-focus webcam pictures and usernames like ChilBro4U. Needless to say I wasn’t having much luck.
I have met a total of two people from Okcupid. The first guy I met for dinner. He was a sweet undergrad who was so nervous he made our water glasses do that thing from Jurassic Park. The second was a smokin’ hot guy from out of town who I actually made out with on the first date. That’s really unusual for me. I was also stoned like a motherfucker (lol!), he was drunk and we met at a bar that doesn’t serve food. How romantic! Neither of these delightful meetups resulted in a second date.
None of the women I talked to on OKC ever wanted to meet up. Well, sometimes they did, but only under two conditions.
- I was already good friends with them and had no romantic interest in them, which was often slightly awkward for me, “Oh hi Bev, yup still single. You too? Yeah! I am going to that party… alone. See ya there! :-)”
- They were currently in a relationship with a man. No, woman! I do not want to go on an interview to be the fuck toy of you and your boyfriend. Ugh.
Now that I’ve gotten all those stories out of the way; time for the embarrassing story! I can’t remember if I messaged this guy first or if he messaged me. Anyway, somewhere in the line of communication he asks if I have a tumblr.
My initial thought of course is, “Holy shit, this is AWESOME.” I write him back and say yeah. I think I even gave him my tumblr’s URL.
He said, ”You follow me, and reply to my posts.” I cringed a little bit. I don’t worry about people reading my tumblr. This is me. NoBigDeal.com, dude! I do however, frequently make all kinds of silly, not-flirty, not-at-all-good-first-impression, replies to people’s posts! I could have replied with ANY NUMBER OF TOTALLY SILLY VERBAL SHITS TO THIS DUDE.
So I thought back. OH FUCK. I did follow this guy. And I had recently replied to one of his posts. Possibly the day before?
He’d recently posted something from the perspective of a cat making up words that only applied to cats. The post I replied to was about Nipple Hair. Because, you know, cats have hair around their nipples. Because they’re cats.
My reply was something along the lines of, “I TOTALLY HAVE THAT.”
Now I’m chatting with this fella on an online dating website. ”I totally have nipple hair,” is not among my best cold openers.
We chatted more about tumblr, and eventually he followed me back. Anyway, the moral of this story is that I gained a follower and he’s a cool dude!
My 6 things I couldn’t live without on my okcupid profile are, “two feet, two eyes, one mouth and a vagina.”
Dude said that’s a cop out, because you totally can live without any of those things. He said it in a much more clever way than that, for sure. He also called me an amatuer.
This is my reply to him.
In the literal ideal of “Can’t,” sure! I could replace my extremities or even my reproductive organs with functional, silicone-based replacements…
But what about quality of life? What about living life without limits? I am thinking of a more idealistic kind of life where I continue to be a life-winning ninja-baller and a veritable factory of hyphens.
Pirates, sure they’re cool— but who really wants to look into the eye of someone with a patch over a socket and offer compassionate and tender thoughts about the affectionate way their nerveless hand makes the hair on their neck raise up?
Surely not I.
Besides, as old as the internet itself, is the battle between pirates and ninjas.
In order to complete basic ninja tasks, I’d have to have all four limb finalization and as a lady, the ultimate tool of deception, the vagina.
An amateur, I am not, good sir.